- [6/4/2014 9:08:09 PM] angie: there was a time when we talked everyday, where if something happened in our lives we were the first ones on the List of People to Tell about it, wait for each other to get home from wherever [work, school, etc], and now i reread our archive to remind myself that who im missing isnt just a ‘cold shoulder’
- [6/30/2014 2:45:31 AM] angie: how is anything ive posted lately open to any more interpretation than ‘im sorry.’ thats all i want to tell him. im sorry, im sorry, im stupid and handled it wrong, i cant stand it, im sorry. please dont delete me. id take it back in a milisecond if i could. i have no pride left to be worried about for begging to be a problem. there’s a short, maybe even nonexistant list of things i wouldnt do to make it right. whatever anger there is left in me is solely directed at myself.
- [6/30/2014 3:14:15 AM] angie: id certainly love to be free of it too, but i havent the slightest idea how or where to begin
- [6/30/2014 3:14:34 AM] angie: i might not be a depressed mess like tonight every day
- [6/30/2014 3:14:57 AM] angie: and you or xx or xx or xx might not hear about it every day. but it’s not an exaggeration when i say i think about him and miss him every day, either a reminder or a funny thing or the neverending well of guilt i end up drowning in
- [6/30/2014 3:19:38 AM] angie: and no matter which of those it is ive conditioned myself to automatically divert to the reminder “you have no one to blame but yourself”
- [6/30/2014 3:19:57 AM] angie: yes xx has probably pulled hair out in trying to make me not solely blame myself
- [6/30/2014 3:21:02 AM] angie: and yes he is the one actively not talking to me. but i cant change how i feel about myself. or if i can, its not gunna happen overnight
- [6/30/2014 3:21:29 AM] angie: like there very well are a few times im like ‘why wont he just talk to me’ and i get a little upset
- [6/30/2014 3:21:55 AM] angie: but it snaps back like a rubberband without fail. ‘because you did this’
- [6/30/2014 2:37:47 AM] angie: i know it’s silly but sometimes i feel like im never going to get over it, and idk if thats the universe saying ‘yeah, you think you fucked up but you DIVINELY fucked up’ or what but it worries me to the ends of the earth
- [7/2/2014 2:05:29 AM] angie: I really need to start coming to terms with the fact that it probably just isn’t going to happen
- [7/2/2014 2:06:36 AM] angie: it hit me like a bus and I tried to keep working but couldn’t hold it together so I had to claw my apron off so I could run to the bathroom
- [7/2/2014 2:06:52 AM] angie: and sat in there and cried for a good 15
i’d love nothing more than to not feel compelled to write anything else, just leave the title and be out of your way and not waste anymore of your time but apparently it’s just not in the cards for me, so i’m sorry
hopefully this is the last of the personal pity parties i throw for myself here. hopefully that’s a good thing. someone told me to do it if it would make me feel better (even if you never read it), but that this has to be it, so i’m gunna try… but looking back now i don’t have much else of anything different to say than those things above. it’s been the same stuff in the months preceding. i know it’s probably not what you want to see, but clearly trying to talk to you directly will do me no favors, and i feel myself becoming ever the burden when a sad storm hits and i gush to any of our mutuals. but i have to get it out somehow. told myself i would try to keep it short but if you remember, i’ve never been good at that, so this shouldn’t be a surprise lol. it isnt much different from what you’ve already seen, but still
i’m sorry. i’m sorry for my misunderstanding and messing things up. i do not think you understand how much. i’m sorry i handled things badly. i’m sorry i’ve added myself to the list of people who have wronged you. i never dreamed that this is where i’d end up. my own revulsion might surpass yours even. i was supposed to be better for you. i remember thinking ‘how could they/she do shit like that? how could they/she do that to you?’ when you told me the stories. and then i roll up. how could i do shit like that? how could i do that to you? a colossal misunderstanding. i should have said something in the times when i was feeling unsure, shouldn’t have been intimidated to ask you about anything. “idk what’s going on right now? are we okay? are you okay? did i do something? has anything changed?” that’s all i needed to do, and i didn’t. and i am so, supremely sorry.
i miss you. terribly some days, not-so-badly on others, but it’s generally every day, like i said. i see things and read things and hear things that remind me or that i know you’d enjoy and it’s shit. i also remember good things and hope that maybe somewhere in the sea of being angry at me, you can occasionally remember good things too.
it’s pretty stupid considering i did this to myself; i made decisions. they were the wrong ones; i’ve no problem admitting that. i made a bad choice, i did wrong by you. i fucked up. and now i have to deal with it. i can only hope it isn’t forever. i know in your head there are 2 things that happened in particular that stand out as being totally awful, and i know 1 of them is something i made *sure* to hound you about immediately after to try to make you realize that it was not the way you thought… and i guess you still only said you believed me to get rid of me. it’s probably still fruitless at this point, but i swear to you that it wasn’t that way. none of anything was that way. i’d give anything for you to truly believe me.
i’ve literally repeated all of the same things now… what else is there? whining aside, i hope you’re okay. or better. or well. or just not… bad. in the virtual world(s) and the real one too… especially that one. if nothing ever changes with us i at least want that for you
but i want things to change with us. i cross my fingers and wish for it. naturally it goes without saying that it’ll probably never be exactly the way it was for the majority of our time together, but i still can’t entirely wrap my mind around the prospect of never talking to you again. maybe it’s still too soon. probably. i do end up jumping the gun when i think the sky is falling, but still. please, please please. please don’t get rid of me. please remember. just one day, some time from now when you’re comfortable, entertain the idea of keeping me around in the future.
if not… i tried; i really tried. and i wish you nothing but the best of everything in the future. thank you for being there for me and all of the good memories, jokes, apple-and-western-accent jabs, laughs… all of it. thanks for letting me be there for you when you needed me, even when we weren’t at our best. thank you for everything. i hope you’ll try to remember those better times instead of these bad ones. i’ll still hope for a miracle for one day.
do let me know whenever the decision’s made like you said you would (if you still feel like it), however far down the line it may be
in the meantime, it most likely doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, but i love you. i do. please take care of yourself.